the show

Just some random thoughts: girls always feel insecure at some point in their relationships, even with their lover who loves and adores them so much. Where does all those emotional security come from? Perhaps it is that we never know what will happen in the future. Even with the most sincere promises of love and staying together forever, no one could indeed control what will happen in the future.  If it is not the puppy love period, most promises have been broken. For what reasons could we honestly believe in all those beautiful promise bubbles? Yes, women could be extremely emotional in relationships but we are also clever and calm enough to tell that promises are not for keeping but for breaking. Sad but true. But we still love to hear all kinds of promises, not because we want to believe them but rather that promises are kind of proofs to show love and determination at least in that particular moment.

Do you love me? Will you always love me? I cannot help asking my boyfriend these silly silly questions again and again. When he says he does, I always throw the questions again to test that determination. Then he always second to the positive answer again and I believe him. I believe everything he says and I believe when he promises me something, every time and for everything. I certainly feel afraid that the promises will be broken and the beautiful love story just has to end some day, but I still choose to believe in everything he says and promises. I couldn't comment this as being naive or something. It is just that this kind of belief also gives me the determination to love him back with all my heart and soul. When in love, I dare everything I have to love him and I trust him entirely. Even when some love bubbles are sadly broken, I will still choose to believe and trust in the future, not in the particular man but in love. Love is like a faith. If you sincerely believe in it, it would bring miracle and give people power and strength.

No matter what, I love with my heart and soul. Hurt or not, I believe in love completely. When will I change my mind and doubt love? I don't know. I feel tired sometime, especially when my boyfriend lies to me. I feel sad sometime too. But life goes on no matter what. So I guess I will just choose to be happy audience, dressed up beautifully and just enjoy the show...


Love,
Anna

I could give you love

Every woman wants to be loved, yet we are picky about from whom this love is given. Sometimes we yell for the hottest kisses and the coldest quarrels in the rains; sometimes, we want peaceful and romantic love, slow and beautiful, stable and safe; sometimes, we just want someone who understands us, who could talk with us in the middle of night, with the dim lights on and the Serenade from Schubert.

It's easy for me to fall for one man, maybe his voice, maybe the smile, maybe the scent, maybe the eyes, and maybe the touch. But I find it so hard to sustain the relationship.

With the man I love so much, the feelings are so strong that I almost lose myself in it. I worry too much. I think too much. I anticipate too much. I give too much. What's he doing? What does he like? What should I do to make him happy? What kind of woman attracts him the most? Am I good enough? The whole concentration becomes the man and I never think about myself. I could be a confident and attractive woman all by myself but I lose them all when I am with him. Worried, just worried.  

With the man who loves me so much, I feel satisfied, protected, warmed, cared, and most of all being mostly loved. I love the feelings when the man cares about me too much, he almost panics. He might be too worried, just as I do when I love someone too much. I might laugh a bit, care a bit, smile a bit and hug him a bit. I might kiss a little and have some nice easy night time. I would feel like in the season of spring when the sun is not too strong to burn the skin and the flowers are just near the blossom. Everything is quiet, warm and easy. He will notice my every tiny tiny emotions, happy, sad, frightened, scared, lonely or simply sentimental. He will notice because he cares so much. Yes, the worries are gone, but as well as the strong and intense parts of a relationship. I might miss, just a bit, the urge to rip off his clothes the moment when we open the home doors, the temptation to kiss like an animal, and the desire to make love all night long. I miss loving someone so hard that I almost hurt myself.

Could you give me the love I want? But seriously, what is the kind of love I really want for my entire life?

First Love

Do you still remember your first love? First time holding hands? First time you gaze at your love with your heart beating so strongly that it almost crushes out of your chest? First kiss?

Perhaps, I might need some seconds to recall the exact date when I met my first beloved boy. Then, I could gradually tell that it was in winter time and it snowed heavily. I could also tell that it was the first time that I was grateful for the great snow, for the coldness allowed me to stand closer to him.

I would love to share with my friends how beautiful my first kiss was, how afraid I felt when he slowly leaned forward to my red-as-apple face and how eager I was to accept his soft and tender lips. I freezed when his lips were on the tips of mine. Time freezed as well, so did the everything else. I forgot to close my eyes but still was not able to see anything clearly. Perhaps, love blinded them all.

If I have got a second chance to have the first love again, I might ask for more. I would hold back for a longer time for the first kiss, so that the kiss could be even more tasteful. I would choose to meet him in the season of spring. I loved the snow but the flowers blooming for more. I would choose some boy for whom I am also his first love... but I don't have a second chance. First love is as beautiful as it could be because it is the once in the life time experience. It is so memorable because I could never go back again. I could only imagine and recall, which makes the first love even more beautiful than it actually is.

If you may, I would love to hear your stories about your first love. If you may, let me know how it feels to kiss a boy for the first time who is kissing you for the first time as well...



Love,
Anna

Goodbye, my lover

I cannot help but constantly coming back to listen to this song, some time when the pain is tangling with my heart and tearing it apart, yet some time when I am just in the mood of feeling the old days again. I love James Blunt, the man with a strong heart, a trembling voice and a sentimental heart. I love this song, as much as I love all the sweetest and happiest days with the love of my life. I love, which brings me the truest happiness and grants me the deepest fear of losing it at the same time; I love, which reminds me of the deepest sorrow I used to have and guides me to be stronger and braver for the days ahead; I love, which I would never ever let it go, yet sometimes it just ends there, with all the beautiful memories left behind and my  tears bursting out like the end of the world.

Goodbye, my lover. We shall, always, remember how we used to be together. We shall never forget how crazy we used to feel about each other. However, goodbye my love. Take my love and my most sincere wishes for you. Please live a better life, with or without me. Please don't forget me, at least in some dark rainy days when you wish so much for the light to come out.

Goodbye, my lover...